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Wearing a tie too tightly could put you at serious risk of being a wanker, doctors have revealed today.

The small study measured the personalities of a small group of middle managers before and after they attached their tie. They found a significant rise in wankish behaviour and warned long-term tight tie wearing could lead to a serious increase in memo sending, meeting calling and general pointless fuckwittery

Researchers from the Basildon Institute of Self-importance also tested these managers on basic communication skills such as carrying out conversations without everyone in a three mile radius being forced to listen, and not interrupting colleagues with the phrase "I think what you meant to say was…"

In every instance the tie-wearers failed miserably.

Previous studies by the Institute include looking at the relationship between using a hands-free mobile phone and being a complete and utter prick, and an examination of why getting out your business card at every opportunity makes people want to smash your tiny brains out.

Dr Brian Montgomery, who lead the research team, said it was the first time a direct correlation between tie-wearing and being a complete and utter wanker had been confirmed.

"It would appear wearing a tie in a work situation along with other factors causes the individual involved to completely alter their behaviour.

"All of a sudden things that seem banal and pointless, sales figures, motivational books and Jeremy Clarkson, become much more important in that person’s life," he claimed. Even more surprisingly the study found additional tie-wearing phenomena which made the subjects even bigger wankers.

They discovered that even wearing a tie loosely - often including undoing your top button - and even more bizarrely dressing in a way which said "Hey everybody I may be earning twice as much as you, but I’m still cool enough not to wear a tie," was still enough for the participants to display twat-like traits.

"It would appear in the mildest association with a tie in a working situation is enough to transform a normal person into an overbearing and disliked individual," said Montgomery

"What is even more sad is that for many of these tie-wearing people they are completely unaware of the contempt they produce amongst the rest of society and before they know it find themselves living in some god-awful semi-detached in the home counties, driving a people carrier, reading the Daily Mail and carrying out a completely pointless human existence.

"Wankers," he added.
posted by kwacky at 8:16 pm