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Man on the Edge of a Nervous Breakdown

I can't recall the last time I had a good nights sleep. Sleep with both ears closed. Sleep where the slightest noise or whimper didn't stir me. Sleep that was deep and refreshing. Sleep that meant silence didn't feel wrong. Sure, I've slept through but usualy when I've been pissed or stoned or both, but that's not proper sleep.

Once again Georgina hasn't slept. I've been up since about 4.30 trying to get her to nod off but without success. I'm very tired and feeling very low. I feel drained. My head is zizzing.

I also feel like a failure. I know it's not my fault she's got eczema but that doesn't stop you from thinking you should be able to do something. To help, to make it better. She should be sleeping with the knowledge that you're doing everything you can but she's not.

I take her downstairs and cradle her in my arms and try to soothe her. Her eyes close, her breathing slows, her body relaxes.

Then she screams. I can feel my body tense and my blood pressure rise. I'm getting angry. I'm sure that's helping no one. Lyrics ring in my head "there are times I could have strangled her, but I would hate anything to happen to her".

Sam's parents are away at the moment and Sam has suggested that one of us move in to get some rest. Truth is I can't do that. On the selfish side I can't sleep when Sam's not about. But it's not that. I can't leave Sam on her own to deal with Georgie. It's just not fair.

Anyway, even if I did get a house to myself, I'm programmed to get up at about 6.30, expecting the little monster to wake. A lie-in seems alien to me.

I'm sure we'll all get through. Darkest before the dawn and all that.

On a brighter note, Georgie had her operation last week to remove the dermoid cyst just above the bridge of her nose. The most difficult part was taking her to surgery. I had to hold her while she took the gas to send her to sleep. I could feel her fight it. Her body went tense, she clenched her fists then just went. Her whole body sagged. I don't want to go through that again.

The operation took about 40 minutes. She was very upset when she came round but she was soon on her feet and offering people toast.

Her baptism is coming up. We took her to Church last week. She was well behaved for about 30 minutes then got bored. She walked about stealing orders of service and delivering them to one person with an enthusiastic "ta ta".

Kids eh. Who would have 'em?
posted by kwacky at 6:33 am